The Joy of Me, Myself and I Patsy Kensit
If you’d asked me when I was younger what I absolutely did not want to be when I grew up, I would have told you ‘alone’. I saw my life full to brim with all the noise and chaos and company that comes with a family, and that’s exactly what I’ve got. My blended collection of friends and family bring me laughs and company and succour when things are bad.
It’s not entirely surprising to discover that 2020 is the year I first realised how much I enjoy being alone. Don’t get me wrong – before lockdown I’d head off for my early-morning run to clear my head. I meditated quietly. I’d sit with my cat, reading. But those times were precious because they were few and far between. Given the choice, I’d always pick the company of others over my own.
The prospect of lockdown was not one I was looking forward to. No work routines, no family events or friendly dinners to look forward to, no gym, not even a long walk. Just a silent, empty city and the sound of my own thoughts.
The days blurred into each other at the start. I don’t mind admitting that I felt a little lonely, and I certainly did my fair share of baking, while wearing my pyjamas, to keep myself amused. But then, slowly, I found a new normal. I wore proper clothes (ish) and took walks. And without the distractions of the modern world and everyone else’s needs to fulfil, I realised I felt something quite unexpected: absolute peace.
I can remember the moment it happened. It was an afternoon in late April. I was on the sofa in my apartment, just quietly watching the dust catch across the sun rays. I wasn’t desperate to get on with something. I wasn’t carrying my habitual anxiety about what I ‘should’ be doing, and it was beautiful.
I read something that hugely resonated with me: that so much of what we think is loneliness, is in fact a fear of being bored. We look to connect constantly, anything that means we don’t connect with ourselves. And I asked myself why? What are we so scared of in our own heads – what does extended periods of alone time ask of us that we struggle to even acknowledge? As I found, it asks us for the truth.
I won’t lie, as I started to process my own thoughts, there were times that were challenging. Revisiting old hurts was challenging with no one to remind me that it’s OK now. But gradually I realised, I was doing that for myself. I’d feel my feelings, recognise them and give them more time than I ever have… then let them go.
The perks of learning to accept solitude have been many and unexpected. Eating a meal alone, which initially felt boring, is now an explosion of flavour as I focus on the meal instead of the company. I live entirely on my own terms. I live with more intention; I have to because there is no one else to do it for me.
At the moment we have been told to get back to work and the world is once more gaining pace. My diary is fuller and I’m thrilled to be with my family. But I’m not scared about that changing now, because being alone, as I am stunned to discover, is actually a happy place, if you’re brave enough to welcome it.
Patsy Kensit her beauty range, Preciously Perfect, is available from Ideal World. Search idealworld.tv to discover the full collection.
