Trying to get over the pain of spurned love? Check in to the heartbreak hotel says Andrea Blundell
Trying to get over the pain of spurned love? Check in to the heartbreak hotel says Andrea Blundell
Not that there’s any chance of convincing myself I have a healthy heart and don’t need this experience, given that strutting along beside me is a spurned suitor. That’s right, Mr Unsuitable, a self-obsessed divorcee I mistakenly went to dinner with. Just my luck that a plan to scare off his pestering for around two with talk of a self-development workshop had him instead signing up for it. My anxiety dissolves into laughter when I push into the delegated room and come face-to-face with a flip chart that has ‘Welcome to Heartbreak Hotel’ scrawled across it. Thank god ‘modern day wizard’, Andrew Wallas who is running the one day workshop, has a sense of humour. A previous psychotherapist turned holistic practitioner known for his uncanny ability to dig out and transform clients’ core issues, Andrew looks more city boy than spiritual guru in his cashmere sweater and good watch. No less surprising is the space itself, transformed from a conference room into a sort of Moroccan boudoir with a colourful circle of weaved rugs,silk pillows and cozy blankets.
“My issue is a deep distrust that nobody wants me in the first place”
Not that Andrew is about to let us get too comfortable – he immediately makes it clear we aren’t in for a day of fluffy dating chat.“There is a tendency to identify heartbreak with failed romance,” he tells us. “But heartbreaks occur with parents, siblings, friendships, unfulfilled dreams , and broken visions. We cannot heal what is denied, so it’s really important to identify and acknowledge our real heartbreaks , the unconscious ones that are running and ruining our lives.”
Father figures
I smugly think to myself that I’m a step ahead as I’ve already dealt with my childhood. Done therapy, chanted the release mantras until I was blue in the face, quaffed the flower essences. But then we are randomly paired up for the day, and while I am relieved this gets me away from Mr Unsuitable, I get a funny feeling in my gut when the dashing silver-haired gentleman I am partnered with has a distinct resemblance to my father. And lo and behold, when the first exercise is to instinctively write on sheets of paper the five main heartbreaks in our lives, my father splashes out ahead of my old boyfriends. After standing on the papers to ‘feel the energy of the heartbreaks’ (I worry I’m more interested in feeling the excitement of stomping on them all) I share with my partner – who ends up a sweet and patient man – how utterly frustrated I am to have my father and his abandonment rearing its ugly head again.
Dance therapy
Following a visualisation in which I almost fall asleep (heartbreak is an exhausting business)there’s a group discussion. It’s hard not to be impressed with Andrew’s calm presence and knack for asking just the right questions that have participants baring their souls as if an entire group of people wasn’t listening in.
And he’s full of surprises, too;he starts the second half of the day by blaring a trendy pop song and rocking out with abandon, encouraging us to follow. I’m horrified that I’m expected to bust a move in broad daylight, especially when Mr Unsuitable is throwing eyes at me across the room. But everyone looks to be having such fun I finally step into the fray… and just like that the music ends. It feels another sign and I resolve to try harder to stay open and not let my self-consciousness have me miss out.
My chance comes quickly when next up is a constellation – a psychodrama process whereby a group acts out one member’s issue, in this case a woman’s inability to let go of her anger that a partner left her after a termination. She is asked to choose people from around the room to stand in for her ex-boyfriend, the lost child, the leadership she feels she can’t access, and the grace she feels she’s lost. Usually I’d shrink and look away, but I stay present.
She chooses me to be the child.
As ‘representatives’ of her life we form a line and one by one she approaches us. When it’s my turn, any fear I’ll have to whip out an Oscar-worthy performance vanishes as suddenly I don’t feel like me at all but a kid;innocent and open even as she gazes at me with eyes full of terror and regret. “What do you have to tell her?” Andrew softly asks. And as if I’m channeling some other energy words rush out of me; that it was as it should be,that I understood. And then she is hugging me and sobbing.
It’s only when I sit down next to my partner that the true synchronicity of being chosen explodes inside of me and I realise that I am in fact an unwanted child myself.From the moment I could understand, my mother was bitterly reminding me that my father’s reaction to finding out she was pregnant was to rush out and get his tubes tied.
My issue isn’t abandonment over my father’s leaving but a much deeper distrust that nobody truly wants me in the first place. I can’t believe a one-day group workshop has uncovered a missing piece that years of therapy has overlooked and that has left me unable to let love in all my life. I’m so astounded that the dreaded thing finally happens and I start to cry; thankfully half the room is in tears so I fit right in.
A time to heal
The day closes with an exercise in forgiveness, a word I usually find condescending and unrealistic. But Andrew explains that “whenever there is heartbreak, there is always a conscious or unconscious grievance; we’re holding someone responsible or blaming them for our pain. We have to let the other off the hook in order to heal the heartbreak.” And when we form two lines facing each other and repeat back and forth a saying from the ancient Hawaiian Ho’oponopono tradition – I am sorry, please forgive me, I love you, and I thank you – moving along and repeating it with each person, I feel like I am truly forgiving and being forgiven by everyone I have ever known.
On the drive home a blown away Mr Unsuitable can’t stop going on about his experience. Whereas before his incessant talk about himself felt draining, I feel so open that now it seems somewhat endearing. And although I would still never date him I can at least see that it’s also my own need for others to prove I’m wanted that has me attracting such intense types in the first place. Who knows what could happen in my life if I let go of that need? What is certain is that I’m finally ready to find out.
“We’re holding someone responsible or blaming them for our pain”
It’s a kinda magic…
Modern day wizard Andrew Wallas practices spiritual psychology, intuitive healing, and body whispering to support deep emotional release. For more info call 0845 625 0650 or go to themoderndaywizard.com
Dealing with heartbreak
Try Andrew’s self-help advice to get over past hurts
Acknowledge the heartbreaks you have experienced. Take a deep breath into your heart centre and simply ask the question; “If I were to know,how many heartbreaks have I experienced in this lifetime?” Trust whatever response arises.
Take another deep breath into your heart and ask it to reveal any one of these unresolved heartbreaks, staying open to being surprised by what arises.
Write the detail of whichever heartbreak is revealed on a piece of A4 paper. Place the paper on the floor and set a serious intention to step into the energy of the heartbreak. Stand onto the paper and allow the energy and feelings to overwhelm you without resisting; however uncomfortable they are,stay with them.
Now lie down in a comfortable position,connect with a power greater than yourself (for example, nature, unconditional love, universal energy) and with awareness breathe this energy into your heart. With each in-breath,consciously allow the heart to expand and with each out-breath, consciously invite the heart to open like a flower to sunlight.Continue for 10 to 15 minutes until you feel at peace.
Invite the heart to reveal which further heartbreak is ready for healing and repeat this exercise with each one.
Did you know?
Heartbreak does not arise from love; it is based on an unmet need, where somebody else has not followed our script for them. Unmet needs come from control; love has nothing to do with control. So the more we can let go of control, the fewer heartbreaks we have.
CASE STUDY
Linzi Lee, a 38-year-old cake maker from Brighton,attended the Healing Heartbreak workshop with her husband. She found it supportive to attend together,even as they were careful to give each other space and she had her own individual experiences. “I have never felt safe to express that level of heartbreak to anyone before, let alone in a group. Andrew taps into whatever heartbreak you are feeling but he doesn’t leave you hanging in despair, he enables you to lift yourself out.”Self-development has always been more her husband’s interest than hers but Linzi makes an exception for Andrew’s workshops. “I don’t like anything airy-fairy, I like real directness, and Andrew puts everything into concepts I can really get my head around and can build into my children’s lives.”
Her big breakthrough? “When Andrew said to me how breaking your heart also opens your heart to allow more love and acceptance in, it made so much sense that past hurts now seem more bearable.”
Article by
Andrea Blundell
Article by
Andrea Blundell
By Andrea Blundell
