If there was an Olympic sport in selfcriticism, I think many of us would be in the running for a medal. The thing is, we’re not born giving ourselves a hard time. If they had mastery of language, no baby at the moment of birth would say, “I’m so disappointed in myself. I should have made a much better entrance than that.” Love is natural. Self-criticism is not.
Self-criticism is just a habit that we learn – from parents, siblings, friends, teachers, society itself. In time, it becomes ingrained and by adulthood, we’re speaking harsh words about ourselves to ourselves. But the good news is, this is a habit that can be unlearned.
Switch brain paths
In the brain, learning is the laying down of new pathways, a bit like making a path through a wheat field. The more we criticise ourselves, the more defined the path becomes, to such an extent that walking that path becomes automatic. It’s just what we do. Self-criticism seems natural. But what if we stop walking that path? Like a wheat field, it begins to overgrow – we can also build new paths instead.
We can learn to practise self-care in how we think of ourselves, and in how we speak to ourselves about ourselves. We then create a new path through the field, and the old one overgrows until it is no longer visible. This is how learning and unlearning works in the brain. With a bit of perseverance, as we create paths of self-care, the paths of self-criticism all but disappear.
Listen to your inner Buddha
We have three aspects of ourselves. When you’re being self-critical, there’s the part that is doing the criticising (the critic), the part that feels hurt by the criticism (the wounded), and then there’s your wisest, most compassionate self, which I call your ‘inner Buddha’. In the throes of selfcriticism, we don’t even realise it’s there. For this exercise, take three different coloured pens, one for each of these aspects. The goal of the exercise is to let each aspect have its say but to allow your inner Buddha to have the last word. You can do the exercise at a time when you’ve just been harsh, judgmental or critical of yourself, or at a quieter time when you recall the way you’ve recently been towards yourself. The power of the exercise is that it can train you to listen to the voice of your wisest, most compassionate self instead of your critical self.
Find your inner Buddha’s voice For the next two weeks, use your phone to keep notes or keep a notebook with you at all times, and follow these steps.
Start with the critic. Take the colour pen that you have decided will represent the critic and write down what the critic is saying. Use the actual language that your critic uses – the exercise is only for yourself so no one needs to see it.
Now give the wounded a chance to respond. Swap the pen and let the wounded say what it needs to say. For example, it might say that it feels hurt by the way the critic speaks, that it’s doing its best and that life is sometimes hard.
Allow the critic to respond if it wants to, remembering to swap to its own colour pen. Then the wounded might respond again. Let this dialogue go on for as long as it needs to.
Dr David hamilton is a Scottish author with a PhD in organic chemistry, who tours the UK giving speeches on the mind-body connection. Visit drdavidhamilton.com
